.o0 this is not confusion 0o.

Thursday, Oct. 23, 2003 - 12:48 a.m.

Problem is that the people who have access to this are the people I don't want to read it.

*sigh*

I'm restless. I need someone new, someone exciting in my life. I need to feel the tingle of a crush. I need to explore with someone, to be shy and nervous and have them think its cute. I need to not be the object of affection or worship (no disclaimers) for a while... I need to find that girl from my dream. I need to know that there is romantic life beyond Jason... I need to know it for real and not in theory.

The theory stands because nothing else makes sense. Even if it were the case that Jason was the only one for me, the fact is that I am not for him. Either way, I would have to find a way to "move on." But in the meantime, we do love each other. The fact of there being no one else is no reason to push that away.

Am I a cruel person? Am I? What would you have me do? Would you have me lie? Would you have me lie either way? I'm in love with you too, on the one hand, or there's no chance in hell, terribly sorry on the other? I can feel attraction toward many people on many levels. Nothing has yet reached the depth of Jason. Nothing has had the chance.

There's nothing confusing here. Its just annoying. It's just lonely.

  -=last time -- next time=-